prtrabbit

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-27T04:05:00

2009-03-27T11:06:29Z

This journal has served its purpose, this will be the last entry.

Thank you so incredibly much just for listening
Really, it means everything.

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-26T00:32:00

2009-03-26T07:48:59Z

This day was good.
This day was the first good day in a long while.
And everything about it was good from start to end.

I went to the doctor.
She's really nice.
I weigh 116 pounds and counting down. :)

Then I went out to lunch with my mom
Over burgers I said it was total bullshit raising me in the way of meekness and terror
And that I wasted my entire childhood being afraid

It's over now, we're almost grown ups do you realize?

And then I got my flip flops back from my exboyfriend. Now I never have to see him again. I can call him all I like but only to say sorry I don't know why I called. I kind of want him to think I'm pathetic? I don't want him to get me straight.

I went to Elaine's house to exchange christmas gifts and if you've been following along you know she's my favorite person on the planet
she gave me some girly clothes to wear and lip gloss
we talked and i feel so much respect for her, yknow, she's brilliant. and her paintings are incredible.

we shared a plate of yakisoba and went to see slumdog millionaire
half the reason I like Elaine is cause she wants some fucking butter on her popcorn and she chews loudly through the incredibly depressing parts
no wonder that movie won so many awards, i mean shit

then we found grant skateboarding alone at the park and ride
and took him back with us
we played rockband and made elaine sing byob (fucking adorable)

elaine's mom cut up a pineapple for us
and her whole family is just so different from anything normal
but in the best way

grant started a new job making pizza but he sliced his thumbs chopping onions
and elaine's mom has basically adopted him and she helped him bandage it because it was still bleeding after hours and hours
and just to watch her being a mother to him it's just so

it was a good day

I drove around streets I've never been down in this dead city
windows down and heat blasting at my feet
you can feel so fucking serene with so little you know?

life is easy here
life is good.

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-24T12:02:00

2009-03-24T19:09:03Z

And now, see, guess how I'm feeling right now. Optimistic, hopeful, enthusiastic. And what big changes have occurred since I was feeling terrible? None.

Apparently my emotions are random useless bologna. I'm going to IGNORE THEM.

Except for the emotion of hunger which I indulged this morning with Reese's Puffs cereal. Holy shit yum.

From now on there's only hungry/not hungry, sleepy/not sleepy, and cold/not cold.

Anything else is irrelevant.

Here we go loop de loop

2009-03-23T07:56:26Z

I don't know if it's normal to feel this depressed about nothing.
Is it normal?

I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday
I don't want to feel so sad anymore

I mean I got dumped right? So maybe that's the very sad thing
But I was sad before that
And when I try to think about it I just see Morgan wearing this terrible outfit that wasn't even cool when it was available in stores ten years ago
And nothing else
I can't even think about him, it's so unimportant

This is the problem
Nothing in my life has meaning

I need to snap out of it and fast.

Mimic

2009-03-23T04:26:23Z

I'm starting not to be sad anymore. The things I can remember about him are how fucking ridiculous dirty his house was, his fat ferret he never took care of, and how he used to be interesting.

I gave him a call just now to see if I was really feeling this way or just wishing I felt so.

But it's true. His voice is the voice of a fat rotting body.

Morgan was there. She was bleating. I mean exactly like a goat, honest to God.

Alex is entirely defined by her and how she wants to see him. And in turn I wasted way too many years being defined by Alex. I was the echo's echo of a bleating goat.

And seriously, fuck that.

I have a new friend Jeff. He's incredible. He's very smart, not in the way he knows lots of things but in the better way that he understands lots of things. He rides a motorcycle, and he says he'll give me rides in the summer. I don't know how to ask if he's ever had a girlfriend.

Of course I should probably stop looking for a new person to be like
And start looking into being a person of my own

Provided it's not already too late

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-19T01:17:00

2009-03-19T08:18:17Z

Doomed for my physics final tomorrow.
What a waste of time to do all those labs and sit through all those lectures just to fail and fuck with my otherwise flawless GPA.

I feel lousy.

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-17T03:13:00

2009-03-17T10:13:20Z

It's sad about the paper. :(

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-14T00:54:00

2009-03-14T08:18:34Z

if she's morgan and he's alex and you're who you are with your stupid boyfriend girlfriend bestfriends and they're all who they are
you know they are with their
interests hobbies
riding fucking motorcycles on the radio
WHO AM I THEN
WHO THE FUCK AM I THEN

There's nothing I want but the wanting of this nameless unknown thing will ruin me
I WANT to be someone and I want to want things
I want to go backwards through time until I find the exact second I became Nobody
and if it was my fault or not.

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-13T17:50:00

2009-03-14T00:53:53Z

Good music for studying?

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-12T01:49:00

2009-03-12T08:56:47Z

I loved you more than anything in the whole world
Fuck you
tonight while you're sleeping
I hope the nastiest of roaches nest in your eye sockets
11:11 that's my wish
fuck you
I loved you more than anything in the whole world.

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-11T23:11:00

2009-03-12T06:47:06Z

Shopping therapy.

Daawwww.

Also some new skinny jeans with cute pockets.

BUT STILL ALL I WANT TO DO IS CRY BUT I CANT
Help help help

A girl this cute

HAS NO BOYFRIEND
:(
How is this possible?

I still like Me alright but Me is just so fucking useless depressed

And akshally there is a couple boys who like me
it makes me feel sick, literally
I guess I led them on or something because they follow me around with bright eyes and tongues lolling.

Whatever, go away

I have my laptop on my lap and I've got my new boots on and they are smiling at me from my feet
Hi cutie boots

I wonder if anyone good will ever sex me again
I mean that
Maybe when I am 90 and they've carted me off to the nursing home and my grandkids are cleaning out my apartment they will find this same half empty box of condoms

CANT I SAY ANYTHING NORMAL?

I think I'm going to be a lawyer
Maybe

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-10T02:22:00

2009-03-10T09:26:06Z

I got dumped like old milk and yesterday's news.

As a result my laugh has gotten really loud like AHHAHAHAHAHAHA about everything.
Where do I go from here?

prtrabbit @ 2009-03-05T01:38:00

2009-03-05T09:40:25Z

Miserable

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-28T23:10:00

2009-03-01T07:21:04Z

My presents, so you can be incredibly jealous
black flats
a down pillow
and really sexy underwear, please fuck me

I spent my birthday studying
And dinner with my family

Then I watched an amazing movie --
But this is the last time
I'm 20 years old now
No more reading books and foreign movies, I'm not a child anymore
NO MORE DAYDREAMING
GROW UP

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-27T23:57:00

2009-02-28T07:58:02Z

I'm pretty much 20 years old now.
:)

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-27T01:46:00

2009-02-27T09:52:56Z

I want to make her afraid
For her life

She deserves a gun to the head for that laugh

You want to waste away together with your vanity

Well, so be it.

I'm incredibly depressed
When it is this way everything is beautiful and sad

I get chills from the slant of the light so

I can't make any friends now because
I can't talk about boys with girls
Or boys with boys, they're so dramatic
And boys touching me, like its that easy

I'm stuck
ckkkk ckkk

You can call me Nannerpuss Nannerpuss!

2009-02-23T05:45:09Z

I just saw a rat in my bedroom.

This year is about perspective.

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-21T00:40:00

2009-02-21T08:46:31Z

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-18T20:09:00

2009-02-19T04:31:38Z

I have enough money to go to Costa Rica.
UW does a trip there in the summer. YES.

I'm hoping for impossibly high heights and tarantulas. :)

Dollhouse is the worst television show i've ever seen

2009-02-17T22:40:30Z

Pure shit.
The whole show is pure shit.

I hate everything about it.

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-16T22:51:00

2009-02-17T06:54:24Z

If I had friends we would go to the beach (FLORIDA) and look cute in bikinis and die of sunlight and go dancing
My friends aren't interested
My friends aren't like me
I went to a party and I had food in my teeth but I also had an excellent time

I am failing all of my classes even though I don't sleep

All I want is !!!

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-12T23:43:00

2009-02-13T07:44:56Z

I want
Bumbershoot!!
Hempfest!!
Pride!!
and a million lazy days at the beach.

how much longer until summer?

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-12T01:36:00

2009-02-12T09:41:32Z

My boyfriend likes facts while I like logic. He loves the shit out of science and I prefer religion. Are these differences irreconcilable?

Today I worked and burned myself and my boss let me go early since I looked so stressed out and miserable.
A worked 12 hours even though she was deathly ill.
We need more help, I think.

This morning I saw LILLY on the bus to school. She looked so fucking adorable with her hair in these messy little princess braids and her face all shitty and tired. She says her life is falling apart from how much she's working and how little she's sleeping.

It made me feel better by comparison.

You know I will see her less and less and then I won't see her anymore.

But I will always remember spending every afternoon with her on the green couch.

<3

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-10T21:16:00

2009-02-11T05:23:03Z

I studied in the lower level of Suzzallo today. It is quiet down there like death and everything is beige. I read my physics textbook word by word. I can do this. I have to.

prtrabbit @ 2009-02-09T21:02:00

2009-02-10T05:04:40Z

Looking forward to failing my physics midterm on Friday.

Oh and we're going to get our power shut off tomorrow if we don't pay the bill.

Whatever whatever.

Whatever.