prtrabbit

27 March 2009 @ 04:05 am

This journal has served its purpose, this will be the last entry.

Thank you so incredibly much just for listening
Really, it means everything.

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26 March 2009 @ 12:32 am

(no subject)

This day was good.
This day was the first good day in a long while.
And everything about it was good from start to end.

I went to the doctor.
She's really nice.
I weigh 116 pounds and counting down. :)

Then I went out to lunch with my mom
Over burgers I said it was total bullshit raising me in the way of meekness and terror
And that I wasted my entire childhood being afraid

It's over now, we're almost grown ups do you realize?

And then I got my flip flops back from my exboyfriend. Now I never have to see him again. I can call him all I like but only to say sorry I don't know why I called. I kind of want him to think I'm pathetic? I don't want him to get me straight.

I went to Elaine's house to exchange christmas gifts and if you've been following along you know she's my favorite person on the planet
she gave me some girly clothes to wear and lip gloss
we talked and i feel so much respect for her, yknow, she's brilliant. and her paintings are incredible.

we shared a plate of yakisoba and went to see slumdog millionaire
half the reason I like Elaine is cause she wants some fucking butter on her popcorn and she chews loudly through the incredibly depressing parts
no wonder that movie won so many awards, i mean shit

then we found grant skateboarding alone at the park and ride
and took him back with us
we played rockband and made elaine sing byob (fucking adorable)

elaine's mom cut up a pineapple for us
and her whole family is just so different from anything normal
but in the best way

grant started a new job making pizza but he sliced his thumbs chopping onions
and elaine's mom has basically adopted him and she helped him bandage it because it was still bleeding after hours and hours
and just to watch her being a mother to him it's just so

it was a good day

I drove around streets I've never been down in this dead city
windows down and heat blasting at my feet
you can feel so fucking serene with so little you know?

life is easy here
life is good.

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24 March 2009 @ 12:02 pm

(no subject)

And now, see, guess how I'm feeling right now. Optimistic, hopeful, enthusiastic. And what big changes have occurred since I was feeling terrible? None.

Apparently my emotions are random useless bologna. I'm going to IGNORE THEM.

Except for the emotion of hunger which I indulged this morning with Reese's Puffs cereal. Holy shit yum.

From now on there's only hungry/not hungry, sleepy/not sleepy, and cold/not cold.

Anything else is irrelevant.

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23 March 2009 @ 12:48 am

Here we go loop de loop

I don't know if it's normal to feel this depressed about nothing.
Is it normal?

I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday
I don't want to feel so sad anymore

I mean I got dumped right? So maybe that's the very sad thing
But I was sad before that
And when I try to think about it I just see Morgan wearing this terrible outfit that wasn't even cool when it was available in stores ten years ago
And nothing else
I can't even think about him, it's so unimportant

This is the problem
Nothing in my life has meaning

I need to snap out of it and fast.

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22 March 2009 @ 09:03 pm

Mimic

I'm starting not to be sad anymore. The things I can remember about him are how fucking ridiculous dirty his house was, his fat ferret he never took care of, and how he used to be interesting.

I gave him a call just now to see if I was really feeling this way or just wishing I felt so.

But it's true. His voice is the voice of a fat rotting body.

Morgan was there. She was bleating. I mean exactly like a goat, honest to God.

Alex is entirely defined by her and how she wants to see him. And in turn I wasted way too many years being defined by Alex. I was the echo's echo of a bleating goat.

And seriously, fuck that.

I have a new friend Jeff. He's incredible. He's very smart, not in the way he knows lots of things but in the better way that he understands lots of things. He rides a motorcycle, and he says he'll give me rides in the summer. I don't know how to ask if he's ever had a girlfriend.

Of course I should probably stop looking for a new person to be like
And start looking into being a person of my own

Provided it's not already too late

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19 March 2009 @ 01:17 am

(no subject)

Doomed for my physics final tomorrow.
What a waste of time to do all those labs and sit through all those lectures just to fail and fuck with my otherwise flawless GPA.

I feel lousy.

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17 March 2009 @ 03:13 am

(no subject)

It's sad about the paper. :(

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14 March 2009 @ 12:54 am

(no subject)

if she's morgan and he's alex and you're who you are with your stupid boyfriend girlfriend bestfriends and they're all who they are
you know they are with their
interests hobbies
riding fucking motorcycles on the radio
WHO AM I THEN
WHO THE FUCK AM I THEN

There's nothing I want but the wanting of this nameless unknown thing will ruin me
I WANT to be someone and I want to want things
I want to go backwards through time until I find the exact second I became Nobody
and if it was my fault or not.

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13 March 2009 @ 05:50 pm

(no subject)

Good music for studying?

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12 March 2009 @ 01:49 am

(no subject)

I loved you more than anything in the whole world
Fuck you
tonight while you're sleeping
I hope the nastiest of roaches nest in your eye sockets
11:11 that's my wish
fuck you
I loved you more than anything in the whole world.

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